You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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