I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
