I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
