I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
