I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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