My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
