i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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