im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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