I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
