dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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