Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
