u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
