I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
