Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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