I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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