Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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