When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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