Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize