theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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