I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
