This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
