So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
