I'm going to rape someone's good day.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
