You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this beer tastes like vomit already
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
