She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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