Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
