i think my tv is drunk
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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