My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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