I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
