I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
