sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
