It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
