Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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