I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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