Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
