Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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