I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
