I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
