their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Are we still banned from the library?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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