I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
