he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
