just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
