Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
