So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
