I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
