And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize