Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
