omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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