I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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