actually, I'm a sock model
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
