I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
