Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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