You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My feet surprised me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize