you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
