Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize