roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
