First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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