glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
