i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
