at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
