My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
